growing pains

so there's this cursed disease in baseball, named after former pittsburgh pirates pitcher steve blass. eight years into his major league career, blass suddenly and inexplicably lost his ability to pitch. he struggled through a season walking batters left and right, spent another season in the minor leagues trying to find his mojo, and then retired. doctors and psychologists could find no reason for it, no solution for it.

now i know what you're thinking. self-professed-girly-girl-who-couldn't-give-a-flying-rip-about-baseball returns suddenly to blogging with a useless sports story, but bear with me.

i think i have steve blass disease. in blogging. in life. lately i feel like things that i used to enjoy, things that used to come easily to me have suddenly become stressful and difficult. i hate all my clothes. my house is a mess. my blog is, quite obviously, neglected. i think i'm over-thinking things. i think i'm putting a lot of pressure on myself. but try as i might, i can't find my mojo. it's missing somewhere. i want to blog, i loved to blog, but lately i think about my blog a lot but can't seem to find the words or inspiration to translate those thoughts into actual posts. i read a lot of other blogs, most of which have a massive following and endless creative posts and i just feel like 'what's the point?'. i know i shouldn't blog for the readership, and i can definitely say that i never have, but i have been having trouble finding the joy in just doing it for myself lately. the same goes for shopping and getting dressed every day, decorating my house, cooking, crafting. i can't find the the joy in doing any of it. i spend each friday making ambitious plans and eagerly anticipating the free time i'll have to do things over the weekend, and spend each sunday evening frustrated and depressed that i haven't made the time to do any of it. it's not that i don't have the time, it's that i'm not making the time. and that's the worst part. i feel like my funk is about 90% my fault.

so in short, i haven't felt like myself for the past few months at all. i don't like my job and can't seem to focus on tasks, i'm exhausted all the time, i miss blogging, i need to move but haven't found any apartment that is worth the effort, and most days i dislike what i'm wearing and feel quite frumpy and unattractive. i know none of these things are a huge deal. that they shouldn't necessarily impact my overall happiness, but put together they do. and quite honestly, i don't know how to snap out of it. i often feel lately that i see others living full lives while it's just passing me by. i feel like i'm in a holding pattern for something, but i don't know what. one thing that i've found in talking with friends and reading blogs is that most of our insecurities and frustrations are shared - that generally when we feel alone in them we aren't, and i'm hoping that's the case here as well. that i'm just in a completely normal my-little-brother-just-got-married-and-is-blissfully-happy-and-all-my-friends-are-having-babies-and-getting-married-and-buying-new-houses funk. so i'm forcing myself to be honest with myself by writing about it and hopefully pushing through it by doing so. one thing i know for sure is that i haven't been seeking the Lord in this nearly as much as i should be. i plan to focus on that pretty heavily over the next few weeks, individually and through an online bible study in conjunction with my friend sarah martin's new book stress point (more on that soon, but you should join us!). i am excited to see the way the Lord uses this time to make me stronger, draw me closer to Him and help me find my mojo again.

the reason i know about steve blass disease is because this american life did a story on it recently. i was fascinated with the concept and the interviews discussing how and why it occurs and how to overcome it. throughout the years, many players have suffered from it. some have overcome it, some haven't. one of the primary psychologists interviewed in the story recommends that instead of examining and trying to improve the elements of one's ability to play (stance, movement, angles, etc.) to focus the mind on something else while playing, something completely unrelated to the game itself. he suggested that the brain and the body already inherently know how to execute the steps and that players are essentially over-thinking the process. he felt that at some point, when a player doesn't expect it, things will suddenly click into place again. i gathered from this that the best way to overcome a funk is not to stop the things that are difficult, but move forward regardless of whether we feel they are as good as they once were. and try not to over-analyze them in the process. so my blog posts might be uninspired for a while. my clothes may look less than cool and my house might be a disorganized mess, but i'm hoping that even though steve blass didn't overcome his own funk, that i'll find myself again on the other side. i'm pretty eager to be back in the game and back on the mound again.

image of crystal meers via closet visit


April said...

I hear you on this, girl. I'm there. Lately, I've totally felt like my life is in some sort of "holding" or "waiting" state. But waiting for WHAT? I'll pray for you!

Laura said...

Sigh. Yes. For real.